Mommies Anonymous!!

All those many years ago I saw it in my mothers face. . . She looked scared, over powered and overwhelmed and I knew then that she was on the brink of it… of going out to the grocery store and never coming back… and she is not the leaving kind- she is the sticking it out kind, but I saw something in her eyes that I cannot put into words- way past exhaustion, way past weary, way past the point of superwoman. As a child I feared that look, feared it because I was afraid to be left by my mother- abandoned and part of the cause to boot. As a child I had no idea just how scary it was… for her…. But now I do. I am now a mother, and the look in my eyes, and the feeling in my heart is one of desperation and exhaustion and needing something for myself, just one small piece of something, or a piece of someone that might be left over at the end of the day for me. And I am more scared of that look now than I ever was before… the thought of my mother’s breaking limit is so much less real than the thought of my own. Because this is my happily ever after… THIS IS IT. My husband who loves me and provides for our family, my beautiful, healthy children… my family- in it’s safe little cocoon that I have built where they are safe from harm, safe from all things in this world that break down the family and harm the tenderhearted. And all is right in the world at the Wright house…. Kids are washed, and fed and put to bed…. Husband is also well fed, well groomed, well trained, and sleeping, there is finally quiet in my day…. And there comes with it the hole, the lonliness… the emptiness that I didn’t think you were supposed to feel when you are a mother. All the years I prayed for a child, even just one, all the years I prayed for a family to make me whole, to give me purpose, to fulfill my role… and here I am with that scared look in my eye like a trapped animal feeling underappreciated, underestimated, over stimulated and overworked…. I have lost sight of myself completely. And I am guilty of feeling that is just what good mothers do. I am the martyr , the saint, who give and don’t expect to receive, serve and be happy serving…
So I serve baby cereal to the baby, pancakes to the toddler, and prozac to mommy monster that I have become. The mother that can’t get through the day without a happy pill and a Dr pepper. The mother that wishes she could have a break even for just a second without someone needing her, or needing her services. Just one second with no one crying, no one screaming, no one needing to be fed, changed, nose blown, the DVD changed, or can’t find their binky…. Needing a minute that’s not breakfast time, nap time, play date time, Dr apt time, movie time, game time, baby doll time or snuggle time…..

I have found myself in the closet twice in the last two weeks… the first time I was trying to hide from everything in my day, in my life, including a bad hair cut that was just the very last straw of what I could take that day…. So I locked myself in the bathroom, then in the bathroom closet and turned the lights off, and the music up and cried… trying to drown out the noises of my life- my husband at the door, my kids in the background asking for mommy…. And the voice in the back of my mind that says I am being selfish, that I need to suck it up, wipe my face and get out there and fix my family dinner.
The second time was just last night as I was trying to have an adult conversation on the phone and someone decided to have a complete two year old meltdown over her baby doll stroller hang up and I just went and found a closet with some room in it, slid in and shut the door and kept on talking…. Hiding from the noise, the fit, the inevitable truth that it will still be me that has to fix the problem whether I come out of the closet in twenty seconds or twenty minutes….

I went to college ya know. I have a favorite song, favorite movie, and a whole list of books I would love to read if I had the time, and I had some very simple things I would have loved to have had for Christmas, but no one asked.
…. I have hopes and dreams and fears and insecurities and a whole list of complaints for management! I have questions and need answers, I have hurts that need healing and I have some suggestions for the husband suggestion box that never gets opened, much less read. How can I say in one breath that I am so blessed and so happy with my life… and turn around and say that I need more, that I don’t feel complete, don’t feel that I am getting my needs met, not getting what I need to be able to continue on serving, loving, and surviving? How does that happen? I don’t know but it does, I believe those two statements are true in my life…. And I think they are true for a lot more other mothers than I realize (I hope I am not the only crybaby)



So were do we go? When we have lost ourselves? Where do we go to find what’s missing? Where do we go to catch a breath? To catch a break? You know, US- the mothers of the year, superwoman moms, the Martha Stewart/Rachel Ray cocktail of a mom that gets the laundry done, the meals prepared, the kids dropped off and picked up and keeps everything running as smoothly as it possibly can in a realistic home….. We need a support group… Mommies Anonymous-

Hello- my name is Teresa Ruth Wright, I am the mother to two beautiful and perfect children and I feel guilty as hell that I am not June Cleaver or super mom or perfect in any way as a woman or as a mother… and for this time together I am going to enjoy not being called MOMMY… the shop is closed, the nursing bra is off, the apron is off, the sweat pants and the ponytail… all gone tonight. I am taking a 'mommy minute'… with my fellow mommy friends that love their kids, love their husbands, but need to remember how to love themselves……


So… Wanna join my club?



PostScript:

This was written months ago and I didn't intend to share it, possibly ever, but certainly not publicly... but the Lord has laid it on my heart that maybe Mommies Anonymous should really be. I am in the planning stages, but so far I am thinking of one Saturday a month for mothers of small children, all children, to get together for a night of clean fun where we shed the aprons and the spit rags. Whether you have one child or six, a single mother, a working mother, a stay at home mother... the more I talk with my friends, my aquaintances, other mothers as a whole, they say they understand all the feelings I described above. And we are really good at putting ourselves last, and not taking time out for ourselves, because that's just what mothers do.... There is either no time, no money or no energy left.

So, if you are interested in 'Mommies Anonymous'... please let me know, leave me a comment, shoot me an email.... And feel free to pass this on to your other mommy friends, and see if they might wanna play too? I've got some big ideas and I am excited to put some of them into action.....

So- May God bless you on this Monday, and I'll see you back here tomorrow with a picture post!

TeReSa